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Sunday, January 06, 2008

ChuChu's Photo

I tried to spend sometime this morning to arrange her photo up... I wanted to put one with her urn. Yes, she is back with us again. The only difference is she wont bark, lick or play pity anymore...

I was saying the photos. Yes, its hard. I thought I was ready. But it hurts so much. I can only manage to print out a few then I had to stop... Breaking down. Especially when I saw all her happy baby photos and some of the ones which I took just last week. It was only a few days before, yet now those are the last photos I took of her. After she past away, I did not manage to pull myself together to take anymore of her as she lay on the bed with the blanket I put on her...

I tried talking to so many people about this. It feels better, but whenever I started to retell the story, I kinda lost it there... It did get a bit easier with each attempt though. I really want to thank my friends who listen and gave me advices especially people like Shohoku, Yun, Ana and others. I think with their help, I will get better soon.

I went to buy some things for her, a bowl to put her favorites treats etc, a photo frame to put her picture, candles holder to use when she comes back on the 7th days this friday... I really had hoped I had spend more on her... I realized how stingy I was to her... And that really make me feel so guilty and sad. In fact, I remember I really hated her when she bite my laptop charger... I hit her... I really wondered if she will ever forgive me for that. I truly regreted that so much. Why I had to do that... For all you know she was very hurt then... I still remember I hugged so hard after that cos I realized what a terrible thing I did. Well, if she did not forgive me, I will just have to take this to my grave and ask for her forgiveness when I see her again.

I still remember I had this tube of chocolate vitamins for her. We got it when we got her and I remember feeding her at the bus stop then. We were so happy then. She licking the paste and I looked at her. After a while we felt she didn't need that anymore and its making her fat actually. Now I still remember its in the storeroom. She never even finished it. Its .. Sorry...

Ya, its really sad to see some of the things she did not used. Some of her clothes we bought for this new year and other toys. I remember I bought 3 sets of them. One for each of them. She had a scarf, many pretty clothes, even a Kimono. She will look like my little princess I thought. Yet, I never even got a chance to see her wear it. I did not put it on her cos she actually did not love clothes much. I thought I wanted to have her o her most comfy things she wanted. Now all these we packed it up because well many reasons. To come think of this. I feel I rather not celebrate CNY anymore cos I am really not in the mood. Sorry... I had to take a break and come back...

Oh, Wini and Bobi seems ok I guess. Wini search for Chuchu here and there, but she has fun things to play with like balls etc. Bobi is also doing his part to try and play with Wini. I guess among all, Wini is the one will is worse cos Chuchu is with her almost every minute... Maybe she doesn't understand, but if she does, she is doing a hell of a job hiding it. I really wanted to spend more time with them now. So its time to be strong and not cause them to be sad. I think inside, I will still mourn. But when facing them, I have to put on the smile and play with them.

Ok, tomorrow is Monday again. I had lots of work this week. But its good and bad. Good in the way I can concentrate and do something. Bad cos I cant spend more time with them. Well, until I feel I am ok to blog again, do enjoy these few songs I loved (and now managed to understand deeper and feel deeper) from X-Japan.

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